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Survive the Whine: How tiny tantruming humans make us better mums in the long run

Navigating the Emotional Tug-of-War

Have you ever had those days when you lovingly gaze at one of your children and think, “Wow, I am so lucky; kudos to me, what a good kid I’ve raised…”? Then you look at your other child, who is practically swinging from the ceiling, and think, “What the f$%k have I done to deserve this little monster?” Maybe you’ve recognised that you might be unintentionally showing signs of favouritism (more forgiving and patient) towards one child over another – especially when the other is having a supersonic tantrum. Perhaps you’re struggling with your motherly bond.

These shifts in bonding, behaviour, and attachment happen to all of us—and you’re not alone.

My little ‘threenagers’ <3

Attempting to Break the Cycle of Guilt

I’ve experienced guilt for many of the above, more in the last few months than before. The life-altering transition from Melbourne to the Gold Coast has been a big factor, but not nearly as big as the twins turning three. Forget the “terrible twos”; it’s the “threenagers” that have me on a knife’s edge.

There are days where I feel like I’m neglecting one of my twins because the other demands more of my time, energy, and focus is tough and by 9:30am, I’m ready to turn on Blippi for the entire day and scream into a pillow. And trust me, you’re definitely not the only one finding yourself counting down the hours until bedtime.

While I get frustrated easily with my children (and my husband), I then experience crippling remorse and try to reflect on minimising my stress. However, it starts all over again—often within a few minutes—and I find myself beginning the cycle anew. It’s a habit I just can’t seem to break.

via GIPHY

Seeking Support

It’s easy to say, “seek professional help,” as the Facebook groups often demand, but not everyone can afford therapy. While Australia is lucky to offer free mental health plans, ongoing support is costly, and our toddlers don’t just magically stop having tantrums or being complex little humans after our five free sessions with the psychologist.

Parents need tools and strategies to manage the stress and maintain their well-being. And if you’re a mum like me, feeling the weight of the world on her shoulders, here’s what I do to try and keep my sanity:

  1. It’s okay to walk away: Sometimes, a 5 to 10-minute break by myself helps; other days, it isn’t enough. These days, I tell Bryce I’m going to a café for an hour to write or just to doom-scroll, and this offers me a chance to regroup.
  2. Tell yourself, “It’s not forever”: Even if you have to do it one hundred times a day.
  3. There’s no such thing as a perfect parent: Stop being so hard on yourself. You’re not the only one breaking down in tears sometimes, losing your temper, or feeling like you’re underperforming as a mother, a lover, or a friend. You are doing the best you can, even when it doesn’t feel like it.
  4. Make special one-on-one time with your little ones separately: We have recently started doing this with the twins. Bryce will take one with him to the shops while the other stays home with me. We find the children are more responsive and are able to actively listen when they are having one-on-one time with a parent. And the joy when they reunite with their twin is undeniable.
  5. Ask for help: Easier said than done, I know. I also understand not everyone has access to assistance, whether it’s family, friends, a nanny, or childcare. There are numerous community projects based on your location, just like we have here on the GC. While you may not be able to have some one-on-one time, you might just tire them out enough for an early night, giving you some downtime for yourself.
  6. Have that glass of wine: and don’t judge if that’s not your thing.
While the internet can be helpful, it also can be inflammatory

Clarity Amongst The Chaos

Every day, I think about how my behaviour, words, and attitudes shape my kids. However, I try to remember that my kids aren’t keeping track of how many hugs I give or that my yelling and frustration don’t mean I love my little rugrats any less on those big days filled with tantrums and tears. Those moments don’t define my ability to be a good parent.

I try to focus on the small wins I get out of being a parent – the memories we make, the time we spend reading books or talking about our day at bedtime or on those days when I’m running on empty, to appreciate when my babies wrap themselves around my leg and give me a cuddle without notice.

Whether they’re newborns or threenagers, parenting is a rollercoaster of emotions and your feelings are valid. Seek support, reach out to loved ones, watch reels to make yourself feel better. Motherhood is meant to be a challenge and the ones who feel like they’re failing, are the ones that are trying their best.

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In the spirit of reconciliation, Her Second Shift acknowledges the Traditional Custodians of the country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their Elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today