I’m not an expert in this field, so I’d like to hear your thoughts on this dilemma.
How on earth do you make friends as an adult
Especially if you’re a parent.
I recently turned 35 and similar to the natural collagen in my face, my friendship pool is declining.
People say it is because I’m “never available… always busy… never home” etc.
Truthfully, I have become accustomed to my own company.
When the twins are in childcare, I relish a quiet day of writing, coffee or relaxing.
Some days though, you just want to get together with your friends without having to plan months in advance.
From my extensive research, these are the best ways to make friends:
The introvert in me would not have me do any of the above willingly.
The shame factor of not making a single friend is enough to have me crawl back into my wine bottle… I mean, shell.
Tate and Levi have been in childcare for 8 months and I have barely spoken a word to other parents.
We prefer to drop off and pick up, rather than standing around discussing the tantrums you may have dealt with over the weekend.
I do know the names of most kids, as we recite them to and from care, but I’m not as familiar with faces.
During the centre’s Christmas party, the parents, educators and kids from all the different rooms came together.
It was a fantastic display of support, however, it was challenging to recognise who was with who.
So instead of mingling and introducing myself, I sat with the farm animals instead.
While I’ve not encountered this, I often wonder – it’s hard enough for me to make friends; then there are single parents, parents of ethnicity, parents with cultural beliefs, non-binary parents or parents who have children with disabilities, learning or behavioural issues.
Unfortunately, we live in a world where there is a minority who are pigheaded, racist or judgmental.
It’s hard enough (I can only imagine) raising a child with ASD to then have a small percentage of people not want to be a part of your village.
If anything, these are the people you want to be friends with the most.
They teach you, inform you and humble you.
I feel that what I’m missing is having a Mum friend who not only has kids of a similar age – I need a twin Mum friend.
Having twins is a little different than having a singleton and I’d love to have a twin parent to vent to!
Friendships come and go – but you certainly notice a difference after having kids.
If you had a baby during COVID like me, this caused even more introvertion.
Isolation for months on end, no groups where you could interact with other Mums.
It was the one time my social anxiety craved another human being experiencing something similar to myself.
Recently, I was at our local place centre and was chatting to a Mum who not only had twins, but our twins were in NICU in the same hospital ward at the same time.
You would think that that amount of association would lead to a friendship, right?
Oh no, I couldn’t get the courage to ask her if she wanted to meet up with our twins for a coffee.
It was like asking someone on a date. I’m no good with rejection.
I’d never had a proper date before MAFS.
Apparently, I’m still no good at asking people out on dates.
And I’m married!
I still couldn’t extend a Mum-date with a potential new friend.
Instead, I left and thought about the ‘what if’?
What if we became friends?
Maybe we’d have family holidays together….
Our children might even date in the future…
Yet, my anti-socialness ‘friend-blocked’ me.
In the spirit of reconciliation, Her Second Shift acknowledges the Traditional Custodians of the country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their Elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today
I have struggled with this for a while. I had heaps of friends at university and then when we all went our separate ways into working real jobs I really struggled. I then moved from the UK to Australia (Perth) about 12 years ago after I met my now husband. He is a bit of a loner/introverted but I can talk to anyone and am probably an oversharer. I’m slowly meeting new acquaintances now that our son is at primary school but being a full time working mum I rarely see any of the parents except for a 5 minute chat here and there. People tell me I’m lovely and friendly but it’s becoming clear that I can’t move past the acquaintance stage. It’s always me that tries to arrange catch ups for either me or my son and on my 43rd birthday I had just one person message me who wasn’t family to wish me happy birthday. I would love a big group of girlfriends to have that village of support, especially with my family all still in the uk, but for the time being I have resigned myself to just having to keep trying, whatever new ways I can think of, if not for me but for my son.
Oh Catherine, this makes me feel so sad to read. But you are not alone. What date is your birthday? I know as we get older, it gets harder, but I feel with children as well, people distance themselves because they have their own kids and lives or they don’t have kids and feel that making the effort can sometimes be too difficult x
Very relatable! As a working mum i only have so much energy. When i put all of that energy into work, my partner and 2 year old son its hard to catch up with friends! As a result i don’t have many mum friends with children around the same age. Maybe just one! I’m in carrum downs and always happy to chat about anything toddler related ! X
Thank you Emma. And I totally hear you! A chat would be lovely 🙂
I have 9 month old twins and from Traralgon, been through months of NICU/SCN as premmies, lack of support/ “village”. Lots of family/ friends say they would help out but came once, or not at all, and haven’t seen them since. It’s also hard because we are the last ones to have kids, whereas before we were always the ones to go hang out with friend’s kids etc
I can 100% relate to your story. In the end I have just resided to the fact I will stay at home (pretty much 24/7) and not be able to do anything for a long time.
It is extremely difficult in your 40’s & 50’s especially when you are divorced. Female friends then see you as a threat to their marriages/relationships.
After being the one to consistently put the effort in my friendships i took a step back & just waited to see what would happen to the friendship. Did they put the effort in? The answer was NO.
I would rather have no friends then fake friends.
I have move towns, worked in new places & joined groups.
I am totally ok with no friends. I have a small family circle & that is what fills my cup.
Especially my adult son💙
No friends over fake friends – yes! And I love that your son is your friend. I feel the same about my Mum and sister x
So relatable! Having my first baby during Covid definitely impacted my ability to make mum friends. The isolation of lockdown made me even more introverted. When we were finally out of the lockdowns the anxiety of play centres and playgrounds kept me from enjoying my time with my child.
The shift in friends is also challenging when I only had a few to begin with and now that I have kids and they don’t we barely see each other. I feel lost and lonely but also scared to try and make new friends because what if they aren’t interested?
Everything you wrote here – I felt exactly the same during/after lockdowns xx
Always happy to drink wine, and I’m also on the Peninsula! I struggle to make friends at times too but do have a few core girlfriends who I cherish… life just gets in the way. I have a 4yr old, 3yr old and 17mth twins so I totally get it.
Thank you for your honesty!
You are truly a super Mum! x
Oh Mel, I definitely feel this on so many levels I have older Singletons ranging from 11-20 years old and have 2yo twins the isolation I feel is insane, like you on the days they are at childcare I like my own company and just having time to breath, however I feel the loneliness especially on days when it’s just me and the boys, most of our friends have older kids and the sparse few that do have similar age kids are Only children so the parents often look at me like I’m raising a pack of wild animals when we are discussing what our toddlers are up to. I’m in NSW otherwise I’d definitely take you up on a play date, hopefully We will find out people ❤️P.a have you thought of joint your local multiple association? Unfortunately I couldn’t gel with anyone at my local, but might be an option if you haven’t already tried
I absolutely hear you. Thank you so much, I’ll look into it x