Last night, my Mum sat me down and told me that my father had passed away suddenly overnight.
My biological Dad and I had been estranged for 13 years.
While I’m sadly not surprised, given his choices and lifestyle, I always held onto a small glimmer of hope.
Hope that we would one day reconcile.
He died alone, without knowing that I held on to these feelings all these years.
My father will never know me as the woman I grew up to be, one he could hopefully be proud of.
He will never meet or know his grandchildren.
I have grieved since a young age for a father who was never around.
Now, I am grieving for a second time.
I am coming to terms that I will never get that chance to make amens.
I thought I would be okay about it – when the time came.
Instead, I feel anger, sadness, regret and shame.
Angry that he didn’t try harder, fight harder, to remain in my life.
Sad as I relive childhood memories of our rare visits together, where my father was more like a fun big brother than a Dad.
Regret that I didn’t try to put my stubbornness aside to speak to him.
Shame that I now feel heartbroken, shattered, that I lost someone I once loved more than just about anyone else in the world.
Do I have a right to feel sad? For I shoulder part of the blame for the lifetime of silence.
I could have tried to reconcile.
Instead, I have been left with this final memory:
The last time I saw my father was when I was 19 at my cousin’s wedding.
We hadn’t seen each other for several years but were still on irregular speaking terms.
Besides the usual awkward chitchat, he quietly almost shyly said to me …
“I miss you. Every time I hear this song, it reminds me of you… that you would be having the time of your life.”
Until last night, I had avoided that song for 16 years.
Now, I can’t stop playing it.
In moments like this, I realise;
Life is short.
Grudges are not meant to be kept – they’re poison for the soul.
If you’re holding onto hope, act upon it if you can and want to.
That way, you can safely say that you tried.
If you’re ready, don’t let that moment of forgiveness pass you by.
For there may be a time when you will never, ever get the opportunity again.
RIP Dad ♥
In the spirit of reconciliation, Her Second Shift acknowledges the Traditional Custodians of the country throughout Australia and their connections to land, sea and community. We pay our respect to their Elders past and present and extend that respect to all Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander peoples today
Im so sorry for your loss… My father and i didnt have a relationship… he had other children that he had great relationships with and i have an amazing step dad but i always wanted him to want me and still dont understand why he didnt. I just found out through social media that he passed away this morning and i have no idea how i should feel…
Thank you so much, Kelly. I hear you xxx
As the mother of children of a mainly absent father, I understand your mixed emotions as I have watched my children suffer the same way. As the child, I think you in the end give up as a way to try to end the hurt and get on with your life. Of course, it is not so simple. Constantly trying to maintain contact with a parent who is not able to be the parent in any way ,I have only seen ongoing suffering for my children. May you achieve peace knowing that it is not your fault. Wishing you and your family all the happiness that you indeed deserve.
Thank you, Elisabeth. I hope you are at peace with your situation as well. Good on you xx
I am so sorry for your loss Liss.
My husband found out that both his estranged parents had passed away.
Sadly, there was a lot of terrible things that happened but he went through the exact emotions.
Sending love. X
Thank you, Jade. My condolences to your husband xxx
My Heart hurts for you, I cried reading your story
Its so tricky
Sending you Love Beautiful ❤️
Thank you for reading, Donna xxxx
Beautifully written Lisa. I lost my father in July this year and I too were estranged on and off for the past 10 years. I tried so many times to reconcile, but he was a hard man and also a product of estrangement. I am angry and I am sad ….angry as he could have made things right before he died, and sad that he obviously didn’t need or want me in his life. I am sending you loads of love at this time xxx
Thank you, Frances.
I’m sorry to hear about your father’s passing and his stubbornness.
It says volumes of you for trying x x x
Firstly I am so sorry for your loss. I’m just going through a similar situation. I have been estranged from my Dad for many years (most of my life) He has made contact to tell me he only has a few weeks to live and would like to see me. It’s such a mixture of emotions and a lot to deal with. Because we have been estranged for so long everyone thinks I shouldn’t feel anything and shouldn’t see him. I almost feel embarrassed to admit that I might want to. I don’t have anything to lose if I do see him but could live with regret if I don’t. I hope you are coping ok and if you ever want someone to talk to who is going through a very similar thing I’d LOVE to chat with you. Take care ❤️🥰
Thank you so much, Char.
If it’s something you feel you want to do – do it, please. I wish I’d had the chance. xxx
Rest in peace dad, well said powerful words Liss. Beautiful song.
Thanks Megs x
Liss I am so sorry for your loss but please don’t be so hard on yourself. You are human and both of you could reached out to each other but don’t feel guilty. You have every right to grieve as he was your father. Thinking of you and your family at this difficult time. Be kind to yourself beautiful lady xx.
Thank you Bruna, nice to hear from you again
When someone is suddenly no longer earthside , it is such a shock to our whole being, it shakes our foundations yet brings so many things into sharp focus. I found out yesterday that someone very dear to me had passed too. Although we weren’t estranged, I have guilt about the things I didn’t do that I wish I had. So maybe there’s guilt no matter the circumstance. It’s a hard feeling. I’m thinking that writing her a letter might help, to thank her for what she gave and share those regrets. I remember her once saying that when someone is gone, they are only gone in body anyway, so you can still chat to them, that you still have a relationship with someone once they pass and you can talk to them still and so there’s still time to make peace with them/things, that it’s never too late. I always liked that idea so am sharing in case it helps you too. Be kind to you, and sorry for your loss (and that it sits on top of more loss) xxx
Thank you so much Michelle
I can so relate, going through something similar with my parent’s, I always thought I was ‘daddys little girl’, but something changed. 🍀
Tell me about it – thank you Lorraine
So very sorry for your loss. It’s sad you didn’t have a happy relationship with your Dad. I rarely told my Dad how much I loved him & then he got dementia & didn’t even know me but I did get the chance to tell him how I felt in his final days – not sure if he understood or not🥲. He always said “never ever go to sleep on an angry word – you might live to regret it”. Remember the good times with your Dad & tell your beautiful boys nice stories about him if you can.
Thank you very much Linda
Aww Liss. If you need, I am a phone call away. Love you ❤️
I know – thank you xxx
Aww Liss
Try not to be so hard on urself and just remember the memories you have of your dad.
Big hugs to you all.
Thank you lovely x
Awww condolences, thinking of you,
Thank you Rose